People often ask, “why don’t you date outside your race?” “what if you find what you’re looking for in someone that’s not Indian?”. Truthfully, I’ve never really “dated” non-Indians. But have gone on a couple date(s) with them. Not to say I didn’t try but more to come on that later in this post.
Between you and I, it wasn’t because there was no attraction, I didn’t want to date them, or I didn’t like them. I mean there was flirting every now and then, but that’s pretty much it. Granted it might also have to do with my subconscious hesitation knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere with a non-Desi. Even If I did, I knew I would be gambling a risk to end it. So, I purposely stopped myself from allowing it to go further than that
To be completely honest, though, the amount of attraction I feel with non-Indians wasn’t/isn’t nearly as much as I do with Indian men. There is a sense of familiarity there. A mutual connection to stay the least. Naturally, I gravitated towards my comfort zone. I flirted with my own kind. Oh, and there was so much flirting between us in hopes that I will have my own DDLJ moment. And sometimes…that’s all it was.
What’s comical is that all this flirting-and-not-acting eventually led to me being labeled as a “tease” and a “flirt” by both Indian and non-Indian men.
Pause for dramatic ironic effect…
How in the hell did this awkward and somewhat oblivious girl get labeled as tease or bitch? My favorite one yet is being told I was “a heart breaker for sending mixed signals” On a side note though, my sarcastic sense of humor, wit, and “chill” personality has been misinterpreted as flirting sometimes. Since when has flirting been a crime? If it is… then sue me. Apparently, flirting means “leading” a guy on because I didn’t want anything more or I was unsure gives them enough reason to label me as a “tease” and every other name in the book. Primarily because it hasn’t worked in their favor. Tell me, how has it ever been fair to call me or any other woman something disrespectful for doing the same thing ya men are doing?
HEY, I’ll let ya in on a secret… It’s NEVER OKAY.
If you can flirt with multiple women and not have it mean anything, then so can I (we). If you can to speak with many women and go on dates with them, then so am I (are we). I (we are) am allowed to, can and will go on them to find my person without being labeled as anything other than women.
Wherever the heck that man is hiding. Fool probably got lost somewhere and is too stubborn to ask for directions. C’mon boys, we all know how much that inflated ego gets in the way of your pride to admit you do gone fucked up.
So, if you are going to set expectations for me (and other women) then don’t knock me(us) the hell down when I(we) set to match them.
But of course, that’s just something that may never change. A life lesson I continue to learn by experience(s)…
Then, of course, question(s) like… “are you even dating anyone? ““How come you’re still single?” “Aren’t you looking?” “You won’t find someone until you put yourself out there.” Or say to me, “keep trying,” “you will eventually find him,” “you’ve gotta go for the nice guys.” And of course advice like “maybe you need be more open-minded” “try dating other races” “you can’t get everything you want in a man” and “be more flexible.”
I can’t figure it out for myself, nor can I answer those question(s). If I were able to then I wouldn’t be single, would I now Cap’n Obvious? Did you ever stop to consider that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE…I DID GO FOR THE NICE GUYS? Or that I am trying?
I filtered as much as I could. In all honesty, there is only so much I’m willing to compromise on(SEE BELOW). Sometimes the nicest man will be a fuckboy in disguise. If you have not yet read the Fuckboy 101, I suggest you read that for more context. How am I supposed to know that without swiping, right?
It’s not like there is a warning label on dating apps. If I don’t try and say “hey, maybe this one will finally not be 31 flavors of Douche.” with a small glimmer of hope, then I’d be doing myself a disservice. It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy in it of itself. I’d be adhering to the notion that “all men are assholes” which is definitely not the case.
Honestly, though, no woman in their right mind wants to continuously throw themselves into a fire like that. Like yaaaaaaas bitch, let me get in on that heat. Listen, guys, I love spicy food but not enough for something fire-y to burn me alive each time. Once is enough.
After tons of reflection, I recognized one critical factor that keeps me single.
My search criteria are only based on Indian men. Let’s be even more specific:
- Indian (Gujarati)
- Ideally, Jain but will also accept Hindus
- Education- Bachelors or graduate (Preferably in healthcare) just because of familiarity in careers. Not that career choice really matters, but it makes a huge difference sometimes when talking about work.
- He must either be raised here from a young age or born here.
- (Note: I have found that I have not been able to date or agree with the “narrow-mindedness “of men that were raised in India and came here at a later age (16 & up ish). Though some have a balance of both modern/traditional values. I have noticed that they default to their conservative ideals than anything else. That’s not something I jive with very well. Not always but just in my experience.)
- Must have goals/ambitions
- Have a sense of humor/wit
Pillars Of A Healthy Relationship:
For me, these characteristic outweigh my preferences across the board. Without these, there will be cracks in the foundation. Of course, this takes work, and it doesn’t happen overnight(SEE BELOW):
- Mutual Respect
Preferred but not required:
- Physically attractive (over time I’ve realized that my physical attraction has developed more from the emotional connection than the standard appearance)
- Enjoys Bollywood movies
- Speaks Gujarati/ Hindi or at least understands it
- Common interests
- Enjoys traveling
Obviously, there is more, but that’s the shortlist. But then again, everything else is tangible and something you can learn to build on overtime.
I am aware that I am only waiting for an Indian guy to fulfill all of these “check-list” qualities. I know, I know — I am archaic and biased. You can even go as far as saying I am “being racist” to a degree. I can make the case that there is nothing wrong with having specific preferences.
Being completely transparent? I kind of doesn’t want to date anyone but Indian men. I wouldn’t even know how to date non-Indians. Mainly because I am a damn fob and I want my “hero” to sing/dance filmy style to woo me…
Pssst… You can blame Bollywood for my ironic unrealistic expectations.
Okay okay, maybe not with these songs cuz Bollywood tends to romanticize non-consensual misogynistic stalker-ish behaviors butttt you got my point right?
SOOOO Let’s change that:
Cuz ya know… MY(OUR)CONSENT IS FUCKING IMPORTANT!!
Even though I was raised in the States, I am primarily always surrounded by Indian guys and South Asians in general. WE ARE EVERYWHERE.
To be fair, I also live in a city that has a high South Asian population. From weddings, temple, school, to on-screen Bollywood literally see them everywhere! Can ya really blame us though? We have the second-highest community after China at 1.3 billion. I mean, “the average fertility rate between 2015 and 2020 is recorded at 2.3 per woman” (World Economic Forum). Man for a conservative country that enjoys objectifying/suppressing women: WE SURE LOVE TO HAVE SEX WITH EM WITH OR WITHOUT CONSENT. **end small rant**
My main point here is that…. it was/is hard to “avoid” a fellow brown person. I could have gone to a school with a small South Asian population (I didn’t. Quite the opposite actually), but it didn’t matter because when I came home, I’d surrounded by my Desi family and most importantly the brown culture. Not that I was ever looking for an escape from it.
If you’ve been raised in an Indian (or any South Asian) home, you identify with it’s larger than life environment. The food oh my GAWWWWD the food, cultural nuances, language, and the CLOTHES. Even if you’re an American Born Confused Desi (ABCD) .…you’re still Indian. It doesn’t matter if you cannot speak the language, don’t eat the food, and only have non-Indian friends at the end of the day you’re still Indian.
Your family would get shit for not being raised that way. You know that Kokila Auntie would be talking mad shit about you and especially your mamma. (we all have that one auntie in the family that likes to spread rumors around faster than a forest wildfire). My point being there will always be a little part of you that will be Desi ( ABCD or not).
So, you can see where my choice to ONLY date Indian men comes from. At this point, I got used to being called “racist.” Oh the AUDACITY for me to date own within my own race for a significant other! By that logic, White, Hispanic, and Black couple’s are “racist” too. I don’t see anyone saying that to them. Buttt nahhh…let’s just ostracize me for my partner preferences.
I mean seriously, as a social justice advocate:
“How could I be so hypocritical?” ” How could I be adhering to the outdated notions of the class system”? ” How could I reject someone because of their skin or religion?”. “How could I perpetuate the microaggressive stereotypes we face daily?” ” How could I be so close-minded living in 2019?”
But it isn’t any of that. Over time, my preference for Indian men, and especially for Gujarati Jain/Hindu guys, became a well thought out process and mainly a comfort factor.
I have absolutely nothing against interracial couples. In fact — some of my closest family members are married to someone non-Indian or dating them. I encourage them… they are just not for me. To answer the question for those that ask me why I don’t date outside my race.
So, dating within my race resonates a mutual connection, as I mentioned earlier. Indian guys, as a whole, are what I know almost like a sense of familiarity. I’d say it’s practically similar to a lion identifying members of his pack just by their scent, It is an instinctual magnetic pull towards them even if I personally like any of em or not.
This has nothing to do with me being “racist” or “picky.” This is not a selection thing making one better than the other. It is a way for me to connect on a deeper level. It is a way to build our relationship with shared interests/values. Okay, let’s look at another way…It is like when someone says, “I can’t marry you if you don’t have similar political views.” I don’t want nor should I to have to explain why some things are just that way because of the cultural expectations or the language barrier.
Quite frankly… your homegirl is waaaaay too lazy and doesn’t want to do the work.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to share that with someone from a similar background. I want to be able to tell my partner things in our native language (it’s convenient when you want to talk shit), share jokes, or similar experiences. They just get it…ya know? I want to be able to pass my culture, language, religion, and heritage to my future children. I want my partner to be able to communicate with my family that doesn’t speak English as their first language.
Skin color and religion have never been a factor, and they aren’t now. It’s just more comfortable when they also grew up same as you vs. someone from a completely different world. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So the truth is that even though Indian guys get under my skin and annoy the hell out of me sometimes with their fuckery, I’m just waiting for one who won’t. He is out there…somewhere. Until I find him, I guess I’ll share their shenannings on here.
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